In The Buzz Cut, we bring you a round-up of news you wish wasn’t news.
Celebrity Couple Reunites and Marries, Prompting Global ‘Text Your Ex’ Crisis
A celebrity couple got married 20 years after their first relationship — an event many are interpreting as a sign to revisit their own breakups. Public health officials are concerned; paramedics say that this flurry of activity to do with the heart is unprecedented. Yet there is room for optimism: with the news showing that rekindling an old relationship is possible even after other marriages, children, and a whole lifetime apart, many have begun to take action in leaps and bounds. Experts think this exercise is a positive sign for cardiac health. Mobile towers, meanwhile, dangerously swayed across the world under the strain of a flurry of communication among the hopeful. The full domino-effect of the wedding is yet to be seen, but scientists predict that we may only know the complete picture upon looking at the health of the wedding industry in the coming months.
Actor Proud of Himself for Consistently Romancing Women Half His Age Onscreen
An actor appeared on a talk show and boasted about his continued persistence in being paired opposite female leads half his age. The host was charmed by this attitude; he previously dismissed two young women’s concerns about there being a “shelf life” for women in film. But all were pleased to note the actors’ 30-year run in the industry — an age that none of his onscreen love interests in all that time had ever yet reached. The ghosts of heroines past, meanwhile, are taking notes.
Internet Surprised That Supermodel Is Cheated On; Feminism Dies a Little
After decades of feminism striking against marriage, men, and even love itself in a radical act of political solidarity against the patriarchy, many are now bewildered that a supermodel was cheated on by her husband. If a man had it in him to cheat on a beautiful woman, nobody else stood a chance, the fears go. A few decades ago, some might have asked why stand for a chance like that at all, when you could instead stand for everyone’s equal rights? But today, the infidelity of a cis-het dude prevailed over everyone’s collective senses. Many volunteered to express solidarity with the supermodel by hyping up her beauty — a construct that was rebuilt much stronger from the ruins of the past.
Reality Star Spends Less Time Flying in Private Jet Than Taking a Picture for the Gram
A reality star took to social media to flex her and her partner’s private jets, before reportedly taking a three-minute-long trip in her personal time travel vessel. The duration set a new record in aviation and also in celebrity entitlement. Other activities that take three minutes or more included getting ready for the day, walking to the jet, posing for the photo, editing it, posting it, climbing the steps into the jet, and singlehandedly destroying a portion of the ozone layer, perhaps.